我的最愛 – My Most Loved Inspiration

Posted by: madisonlane on: March 31, 2008

In: Life
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After listening and watching 我的最愛 music video by Alex Fong and Stephy Tang, it has brought an inspiration for me to write about my loved ones. Plus, I just finished watching We Are Dating Now, an old 2002 korean drama with Chae Rim, So Ji Sup, and Kwon Sang Woo. We may want to throw away or empty the bad memories with the lost loved ones. But we still remember them for the good and the bad. I may always had a one-sided love, but I never gave up the best memories I had with those guys. They will always be a part of me even though I do not speak to them anymore. I will give nicknames instead of real names. I don’t know if I got to the level of love with every single one of the guys. But I know I did truly liked them, yet I got disappointment every time. The story begins:

HV. Oh man, I was always so shy towards him because he was like a sunbae to me. He was a grade higher than me in middle school, but I could never confess my feelings to him. Plus, he was a 8th grader and I was merely a 7th grader who was the tomboy of our vanguard class. But I had to say he was tall and handsome and I even called him at his house once. Aish so scary, but so silly of me back in the day. When he graduated from middle school, I wanted to confess, but in the end, I didn’t. I know he only saw me as a dong seng and hoobae and nothing else to it. I would always be the cute 7th grader who would crush on him.

KS. I met him through middle school. We actually were in the same vanguard class throughout all 3 years, but I was never that close with him until high school. We had a nickname for all the guys in middle school. Though I quite dont remember his name. However, he was known to be one of the smartest and sharpest asian guys I met in middle school. Aish, he was too adorable and best friends with two of my ex-best friends. Yet, I never got close with him during middle school. That was weird. But I knew he had a thing for her, yet he would never admit it. Even the guys (my best friend) told me he could see it. I’m not that stupid. But we got to become internet buddies to the best friends or that’s how I felt at least. I poured out my secrets and heart to him and he did so too. I felt bad when he asked if he should break-up with his girlfiend and I had said yes, if you didn’t feel the connection with her. However, my feelings for him changed slightly in our relationship which was probably the downfall. I was always waiting for him to talk with him via email or AIM messenger. And I knew I was being needy, but I fell for the trust me crap. Aish, I fell hard for him even though I never got to see him. However, he would always mention her to me which spruce up a few arguments between us. I knew I was jealous, yet there was nothing I could do. He even blocked me on his messenger; though he declared he never did. Aish, Sarah could see you online; yet I was the one who could not. Why I would make something like that? I dont have the reason too, but it’s okay. I was hurt and felt so betrayed by a good friend in which I started to hate all guys in general. I was hurt for over 4 years. Isn’t that sad? He may not even remember or reminiscence the time we talked, yet I was still grieving. I cried a few nights hard for him just to relieve the pain. And everyone told me to chat with him again, yet I didn’t have the courage to do so. I just didn’t want to be hurt by him. His name for years brought chill to my spine even when hearing someone saying that name gives me chills. I don’t hate him now. I don’t dislike him either. I have been at peace and moved on for a while. And I can say his name without making a bad face since I do have friends of the same name. I do thank him for being a friend when he was one because I did learnt so much from him. To really take care of my health and don’t try to regret on things. I do miss him as my friend, but I wish him well with his girlfriend. I seen him a few times around Houston and I know he was shocked one time. But I am a strong girl. I won’t cry or falter around you no more. I seen him recently leaving an electronics store with his nuna and I said to myself – he does look really mean when he is not smiling. Could I really date a guy like that? Nah, I need to be with someone who can make me happy and smile. So I did liked him alot and hated him too. But then also forgotten him. I know for sure he would be my most loved (currently). But I hope to change that because I want to smile and laugh with 我的最愛.

PC. My first crush after the fiasco of KS. Four years later, I finally met another nice guy. However, my feelings went up and down through this guy. I couldn’t tell anything from this guy. I have to say my emotions were a roller coaster because I would be crying and laughing in one day. I was a basketcase of emotions. However, I calmed down and I was just overthinking things. This only lasted 3 months period. And I’m happy for him and his girlfriend. I think they are such a cute couple.

KP. I know another K is a problem. And their names were not similar at all. However, the bad part was that it was the same amount of letters for first and last name. That did freak me out. And they were both the baby of their family – yet he was korean. I have to say I didn’t mind at all. But then, his personality was getting to me. I mean all I kept on hearing was “this is why I wouldn’t want to have a girlfriend.” Gosh, I mean I know we were just talking and staying up on the phone till like 3am. But shit, do you have to repeat it to me so many times? However, when your friends tease you about spending so much time about me, you couldn’t even deny the fact that we could possibly together. Aish, I gave him so many chances yet he never took it. I knew how he felt at times, but he was just another confusing character. I gave up on him since it would almost be 6 months and still no move. And plus once the summer kicked in, I felt that our relationship/friendship was not as close. Maybe because I didn’t get to spend as much time as I did with him before. I didn’t mind going to shops with him late at night because I like the fact that I got to see him. I went through crap and I even try to go near his place when he wrecked his car. Yet, I didn’t tell him I was near his place. He doesn’t know that I had done that and I didn’t even got to see him driving all the way from school to his place. But that’s what liking a guy makes you do. You don’t complain and you put your heart and mind into doing something crazy. You know that there is a possibility it make not work. Yet you still try. He knew I never like studying at the library or study in general. Yet, I would be at the library on a Saturday studying with him. Aish, so many things I did – yet I dont think I was ever appreciated by him. I helped him out so many times as a friend – trying to get him to be more professional. Hm, maybe I was thinking too much or asking too much. I always knew he was the type of person who didn’t like to share his feelings, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My friends and mutual friends saw us like the unofficial couple or whatever crap like that. But at times I did feel appreciative by him. Since I would fall asleep on him on the phone, I didn’t mean too but I just got sleepy. I do remember the first time, I met him when he was asking me about questions for an organization’s application. Aish, I know I went through alot with him, yet I let him go. I know I was ready to see/meet other people. Maybe I get bored easily with guys, but all the stuff that had sparked me about me was turning me off. Then, I couldn’t believe the nerve of him asking if I was going to a party. I told him the week before I wasn’t going and it seem like he wanted to kiss me at a recruiting event. Aish, I could smell the alcohol on him. But I was thankful for my guy friends to be around me so I was protected from him. I think they kinda knew and I was buzzed too. But I think he was giving me the ultimatum about that party then he could move on with his life. Yet, he was talking to another girl at the same time. Why ask/bother me about going to a party when he was talking to another girl? I know when I was talking with him – I only chatted with him. Yet, he was talking to two girls at the same time. However, they got together around my birthday (aish – but I wasn’t hurt) and now broken up. I wish him well at his work – he never thought we worked as hard as we said we did. Words do really bite. A friend mentioned that he is very man-dominating due to his Korean culture. I was like hmm, then I was like yeah in the end. Because I felt that I probably had to make the first move before he would do anything. Yet, I wasn’t going to do that.

FT. A crush during the ends of KP. I felt bad since they were friends, but I always thought he was a cute guy. It made time pass and I was happy I got to meet new people. However, we are just friends now which is good. I’m happy that I got to meet him.

I have to say this is all for the day. Thinking about the past can be a haunting for me. But I had good and bad times with all these guys. There is a recent one, but he’s quite confusing too. So I always meet these confusing guys – where’s the decent easy-going guys? HEHE

I have to say in every friendship that I had with these guys, I put in all my effort and trying my best. But at times I learn to let go when the time is near because in the end you get hurt the most.